In my job I meet a lot of people. Not as many as I used to but still a lot. Mostly over the phone.
The other day I had the opportunity to revisit an old customer. One if my favorites actually.
Thing is, she's never seen me as Cayleigh...only my previous self of James.
Many trans folk, heck maybe even the majority of us, fear the unknown. What will so-and-so think of my change? I will I explain this?
This fear is founded, legitimate, and so very real.
I've been transitioning now for almost two years. Not all at once mind you, there was a time, an Eon it seemed, where I de-transitioned.
During my transition I have learned a great many things about myself. One being, I am terrified of the unknown.
At first I swear I was looking everywhere trying to find the one person talking about me. I never found them.
As time went on I got more and more comfortable in my skin, rather clothes. Cause that's where it was for me. The clothes I was wearing. I thought that somehow, someone would have x-ray vision and see right through my clothes. It scared the hell out of me. This is where Trans Hell....Or not, came from.
As I walked up to my customers door and knocked I braced myself for total rejection. But something happened at this moment I didn't realize until tonight.
She saw a girl standing at her door. A girl with a lower than average voice, but still a girl. She didn't look through me, she didn't have x-ray vision and she wasn't waiting to out me to the world. She opened the door and said ,"yes?" with that questioning voice of who ate you. I remembered she has bad eye sight and told her its Cayleigh.
She welcomes me in and we conducted our business. Near the end she made a comment. Out of shear unconscious thought I responded, "yes you do know me but you know me as James."
Now why would I have said that? Who knows.
It was at this moment I realized something else. She didn't have issues calling me, referring to me, or thinking about me as a woman, as Cayleigh.
Once I announced my "trans ness" she immediately started referring to me with male pronouns. It was fascinating.
After that we talked. I educated her a bit and asked a lot of questions. It was a great conversation. One I will cherish.
She looked me over, really looked me I over, commented on different features of my figure, breasts, waist. She commented on my wide shoulders and how clothes will better because of it.
The take away here: don't announce unless you want to out yourself. Most people will see what you project.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Are you a part of the struggle or one we struggle against?
How do you convince someone that they are part of the same struggle you are fighting even though they are not part of the community that is fighting?
I am in a struggle to fight hatred toward my people.
Now that very sentence is enough to cause strife.
"My People".
In this instance I am referring tithe transgender community. I am not speaking of the human race, female gender, or white skinned people.
Since I am Trans and my wife isn't, she sees herself as an outsider in this struggle. She couldn't be further from the truth. How do I convince her?
As my spouse, she is part of the struggle. As an accepting person, she is part if the struggle. As an accepting spouse, she is even more apart of the struggle. Will people see her differently simply because she is Cis-gendered? I don't think so, once they learn she is with a trans-girl. If I am getting flamed by someone and she sees it first, she is gong to say something to them. Why? Because she loves me and will stand up for me. THIS makes her part of the struggle.
So......how do I convince the love of my life that she is part of the same fight as I am even though she isn't part of the community in the same way I am.
Dear, because you love me, because you will defend me and fight for me to the bitter end. Because you support me, because you see my true being, this makes you part of the very fight I am in. I know you can not identify with how I personally feel and that is ok. There is no way that I can identify with how you personally feel being with me.
For all who support the transgender community, you are also a part of the fight. Stand with us. We won't give up.
I am in a struggle to fight hatred toward my people.
Now that very sentence is enough to cause strife.
"My People".
In this instance I am referring tithe transgender community. I am not speaking of the human race, female gender, or white skinned people.
Since I am Trans and my wife isn't, she sees herself as an outsider in this struggle. She couldn't be further from the truth. How do I convince her?
As my spouse, she is part of the struggle. As an accepting person, she is part if the struggle. As an accepting spouse, she is even more apart of the struggle. Will people see her differently simply because she is Cis-gendered? I don't think so, once they learn she is with a trans-girl. If I am getting flamed by someone and she sees it first, she is gong to say something to them. Why? Because she loves me and will stand up for me. THIS makes her part of the struggle.
So......how do I convince the love of my life that she is part of the same fight as I am even though she isn't part of the community in the same way I am.
Dear, because you love me, because you will defend me and fight for me to the bitter end. Because you support me, because you see my true being, this makes you part of the very fight I am in. I know you can not identify with how I personally feel and that is ok. There is no way that I can identify with how you personally feel being with me.
For all who support the transgender community, you are also a part of the fight. Stand with us. We won't give up.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Society be Damned
I feel pretty lucky. I am in an area: of my life, of Washington, and emotionally, that I can transition and not be to concerned about things. I dress as a myself everyday. The way things look I am 2 and half years from completing my transitions.
yet, I am guilty. I am starting to see the other side of the coin. the health reasons that don't allow a transition, the complications with injury or with medications. the physical boundaries. The being to big, too hairy, to many tattoos. Aside from the limitations of health, society has pretty much laid the ground rules regarding who can transition and who can't. It's unwritten, there was no committee, there were no votes. No one lobbied for or against it. It just happened.
Why is it that society has decided that they know best? Why can't society leave well enough alone and let us be who the hell we are? So what if my shoulders are bigger then an average woman. Or if I don't have the prettiest tattoos. Who really cares? Apparently those in society.
Who is it really that is making these rules. Well, honestly, it's ourselves. We see women in magazine, on TV in real life, on social media. We see them as a certain image and we feel that we have to look like that.
But remember, it's an average. There are plenty of women that have wider shoulders, and tattoos, lots of them.
We get so self-conscious about it, that we can't see past our own fear.
Take a step out, a small step, really small and see how that feels. Do that one thing until your comfortable and it's second nature. Then do one more small thing. Keep doing that.
Obviously, there are things that will keep some people down and unable to transition to their true selves. For them you have my deepest and sincerest apologies.
yet, I am guilty. I am starting to see the other side of the coin. the health reasons that don't allow a transition, the complications with injury or with medications. the physical boundaries. The being to big, too hairy, to many tattoos. Aside from the limitations of health, society has pretty much laid the ground rules regarding who can transition and who can't. It's unwritten, there was no committee, there were no votes. No one lobbied for or against it. It just happened.
Why is it that society has decided that they know best? Why can't society leave well enough alone and let us be who the hell we are? So what if my shoulders are bigger then an average woman. Or if I don't have the prettiest tattoos. Who really cares? Apparently those in society.
Who is it really that is making these rules. Well, honestly, it's ourselves. We see women in magazine, on TV in real life, on social media. We see them as a certain image and we feel that we have to look like that.
But remember, it's an average. There are plenty of women that have wider shoulders, and tattoos, lots of them.
We get so self-conscious about it, that we can't see past our own fear.
Take a step out, a small step, really small and see how that feels. Do that one thing until your comfortable and it's second nature. Then do one more small thing. Keep doing that.
Obviously, there are things that will keep some people down and unable to transition to their true selves. For them you have my deepest and sincerest apologies.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
TDOR - Transgender Day of Rememberance
Today is November 20th 2011. It's the day set aside for the transgender day of rememberance. It's the day that we honor those who have been victimized with murder simply because of who they are.
I put in a post: "I believe this day should be to remember those who we have lost out of our community. We have the rest of the year to gear up for change, to be activists, to make the changes that must come. This is the one day we can give to those that have been lost. Lets not take it from them. Lets honor them as we would honor any hero who has died for the cause. *this is my humble opinion*"
As my wife read the thread on FB, she mentioned something that has got me thinking. Although I stick to what I said, that we NEED to honor those who have died, we need to remember two things. Their deaths are not "for nothing". Yes it was senseless, violent and unjust. We should remember them all in our hearts.
Second, my wife pointed out that there is no such thing for those suffering or who have died from spousal abuse, breast cancer or the like. There is no special day for them.
I agree that each "group" should have a day set aside to remember those that have fallen in that specific category. I believe it's a right that each group have their own day to do this in. Those that didn't choose to put there lives on the line for the rights the rest of us now enjoy are entitled to rememberance, and it's the responsibility of that group to make that happen.
So what about those that are not in that group? My wife is a wife of a trans-woman. Me. She supports me in the way I am living my life and the choices I have to make to be the person I am today and will be for the rest of my life, Gods and Godesses willing. She is not a "member" of the breast cancer "club". She is a part of the group that survived spousal abuse. She is a "beaten child" survivor as am I.
We fit into our own groups, not from what we have done in our lives but because of the choices those around us, and often times, trust, have made for us and to us.
What do we do for those souls?
TDOR was started by one person with an idea and put that idea into practice. Can't we do the same for the other groups? Can't we make it more prevalent to the rest of society? Make them more aware? We see things on TV all the time about violence in the home, child abuse, breast cancer, spousal abuse, starvation in other countries as well as our own, homelessness. We have the occupy movements now trying to get the 1% to hear and become more equal to the 99%.
There is no good reason that the rest of society can't be made more aware of the things that are going on.
Transgender is not a new term. It's been around a long time. Those that are transgender, are making strides for advancement of rights and responsibilities.
I think it's time that these other GROUPS recognized.
Tonight we are attending the TDOR in Tacoma. It's a first for me and a first for my family. We do not know what to expect and I have to say that I am a little more than nervous about what will happen and how I will be received.
This morning I woke up excited to go and honor those that have fallen like any other hero, now I go with the thoughts of the fallen transgender, breast cancer, spousal abuse and many more in my heart.
This is not a night for only one group anymore. It may be transgender focused but it will be "ALL INCLUSIVE".
To see a list of those we honor tonight, please go here: http://www.transgenderdor.org/?page_id=1663
I put in a post: "I believe this day should be to remember those who we have lost out of our community. We have the rest of the year to gear up for change, to be activists, to make the changes that must come. This is the one day we can give to those that have been lost. Lets not take it from them. Lets honor them as we would honor any hero who has died for the cause. *this is my humble opinion*"
As my wife read the thread on FB, she mentioned something that has got me thinking. Although I stick to what I said, that we NEED to honor those who have died, we need to remember two things. Their deaths are not "for nothing". Yes it was senseless, violent and unjust. We should remember them all in our hearts.
Second, my wife pointed out that there is no such thing for those suffering or who have died from spousal abuse, breast cancer or the like. There is no special day for them.
I agree that each "group" should have a day set aside to remember those that have fallen in that specific category. I believe it's a right that each group have their own day to do this in. Those that didn't choose to put there lives on the line for the rights the rest of us now enjoy are entitled to rememberance, and it's the responsibility of that group to make that happen.
So what about those that are not in that group? My wife is a wife of a trans-woman. Me. She supports me in the way I am living my life and the choices I have to make to be the person I am today and will be for the rest of my life, Gods and Godesses willing. She is not a "member" of the breast cancer "club". She is a part of the group that survived spousal abuse. She is a "beaten child" survivor as am I.
We fit into our own groups, not from what we have done in our lives but because of the choices those around us, and often times, trust, have made for us and to us.
What do we do for those souls?
TDOR was started by one person with an idea and put that idea into practice. Can't we do the same for the other groups? Can't we make it more prevalent to the rest of society? Make them more aware? We see things on TV all the time about violence in the home, child abuse, breast cancer, spousal abuse, starvation in other countries as well as our own, homelessness. We have the occupy movements now trying to get the 1% to hear and become more equal to the 99%.
There is no good reason that the rest of society can't be made more aware of the things that are going on.
Transgender is not a new term. It's been around a long time. Those that are transgender, are making strides for advancement of rights and responsibilities.
I think it's time that these other GROUPS recognized.
Tonight we are attending the TDOR in Tacoma. It's a first for me and a first for my family. We do not know what to expect and I have to say that I am a little more than nervous about what will happen and how I will be received.
This morning I woke up excited to go and honor those that have fallen like any other hero, now I go with the thoughts of the fallen transgender, breast cancer, spousal abuse and many more in my heart.
This is not a night for only one group anymore. It may be transgender focused but it will be "ALL INCLUSIVE".
To see a list of those we honor tonight, please go here: http://www.transgenderdor.org/?page_id=1663
Friday, November 18, 2011
Finding out Cayleigh was trans.. my perspective
For those who may read this and don't know, Cayleigh and I were high school sweethearts. We were separated and then kept apart through a series of events beyond our control. I never quit loving her, I never quit looking for her, I never quit hoping.
When we were in high school, Cayleigh was James. She was the epitome of masculine to me, reminded me of my grandfather (the only man I ever truly loved and trusted to that point in my life) and was everything I ever wanted. I thought she was drop-dead gorgeous and I fell so totally and completely in love that when we were lost from each other, I felt as if I'd been widowed - my heart violently ripped from my chest. Throughout the years I tried to find her, and finally I did - on myspace. I messaged her.. and never heard back.. so I emailed her wife. I told Tammy that I really had no intention of messing up their marriage, that I was married as well.. and that I really just needed to know that James was okay and to try to find some closure for our relationship since I was still hurting from it almost 20 years later.
The response I got was from a Jayla Wills and she told me that she'd been James and was trans.. and that she had no clue who I was. Hrm. I wasn't quite sure what to do with any of that.. except to back the hell off. Anyone who knows me knows that I have to think everything to death.. and then I'm able to resolve my feelings and I'm okay with pretty much anything.
So.. in thinking about this, my first thought was simply just 'wow.. that's a turn of his life I never expected' - followed closely by wondering if it was PTSD related and more the result of crappy parenting and being told something was 'wrong' with him by his bastard of a father in early childhood when self-esteem is formed. From there, it was guilt. How on earth did I not know something so incredibly important about someone who meant everything to me? How much did he suffer trying to be something he wasn't and I never, ever knew? Then, I moved on to anger.. not over the transition, but on the not knowing who I was part. Seriously? We were engaged and you said you'd love me forever but you had no clue who I was???? Jerk.
A few months later, I decided that I really needed to try to be a friend to this Jayla.. even though I didn't know her. James had been important enough to me that even though we obviously weren't meant to be a couple, I still wanted to offer my support and friendship. This time, the reception was worse. Again, she had no idea who I was.. but wanted to know if any of a series of events she remembered pieces of were with me. Nope, not a single one of them. I knew who they were about, gave her that information and decided I was done. I couldn't open my heart and be hurt again.
Month after month, I drove my children to ballet. Crossing both James street and Willis street.. each and every time. I couldn't stop thinking about her.. and the anger grew and grew and grew. She sent me chat requests.. emails.. wanting to know who I was and why I'd contacted her twice. I ignored her. She joined facebook and sent me a friend request. After thinking about it for a few days, I accepted.. and decided I wouldn't allow any closer of a relationship than posts such as 'happy birthday' or 'get well soon.' I was going to be damned if I allowed this Jayla chick back in my life. I hated the name.. I thought it sounded like a butch bully in a prison yard.. the kind you wanted to avoid at all costs. I figured that was another sign to stay far away.
She went further into her transition.. having the first surgery and posting on facebook that she'd been able to change her birth certificate and gender marker on her drivers license to female. She seemed genuinely thrilled by this. I felt myself start to soften.
Meanwhile, in my life.. my marriage was ending. Painfully, unexpectedly.. just nothing left. Eighteen years, gone in the blink of an eye. In trying to decide what to do, in where to go with my life.. I decided that maybe.. just maybe.. if I were to talk to Jayla and be able to find closure on the only relationship that I'd ever been willing to die for.. maybe then I'd be able to fix my marriage. It was worth a shot at least.
I emailed Jayla on November 2nd, 2009. I told her that I wanted her to know I was fully supportive of her transition, although I was a little concerned as to whether it was really her truth or if it was PTSD related. I told her that I'd been ignoring her chat requests and such because I was so incredibly hurt by the fact that she didn't remember me.. that I really just needed to find closure with her and our relationship and then I'd leave her alone.. but be there to support her on her path if she wanted or needed as a distant friend.
She responded telling me about her beating.. and asking me to tell her our story since she had obviously been so important to me. I did, the memories came flooding back.. and I begged her to forgive me.. while I respected the truth of her being Jayla at this point in time, I needed to find a way to cope with the past.. and I asked her to understand that I had to do that with James. I wasn't trying to minimize her transition or anything of that nature.. but the healing I had to do wasn't with Jayla.. it wasn't with the present, it was totally 1000% in the past. She seemed to be okay with that and we went forward with trying to heal. It was terribly hard for her.. due to the beating, she really honestly doesn't remember and wasn't able to give me the answers I so desperately needed.. so she simply did a lot of listening.. appologizing for the pain I'd been through and telling me she'd never meant to hurt me. She gave me a gift in that.. knowing that I wasn't simply unimportant and forgettable meant an awful lot.
We started talking about meeting. I told her I really wasn't sure how I'd react. I had absolutely no issues with her being female, with dressing in women's clothes or wearing makeup or anything else. However, I was healing from my relationship with James.. and I hadn't reached a point in which the two were one and the same for me. I told her it didn't matter how feminine she was.. I'd be searching for James. I didn't think I could call her Jayla at that point.. and I appologized profusely. I felt so very guilty because I felt like in needing to find healing with the past and in needing to do that with the one and only person who ever broke my heart, I wasn't being supportive of her transition. I felt like if I could just heal with James, I could let go of him and be a friend to this new person.. but I wasn't ready to let go yet. I'd spent 20 years hurting and searching and missing him every day of my freaking life. Being told he no longer existed was like dying all over again. I couldn't accept it. I could accept Jayla.. no problem.. but I couldn't accept losing James when I'd been so close to finding him after all those years. It was selfish and horrible of me, I thought... but I wasn't strong enough to simply let go.
In our talking, she decided that she needed to return to male. She needed to heal from the past together with me, to make sure that she was doing the right thing, etc. In doing this, Tammy kicked her out of their home. She said she'd been fine with Jayla being in love with me.. but she'd gotten her husband 'back' and seeing him in love with someone else.. wanting to put her arms around him and knowing it wouldn't be welcomed... well, she couldn't cope with that.
They got divorced, Eric and I got divorced.. and James and I resumed our relationship where we'd left off 20 years before. I admit that I was grateful to have James back.. although at times I was horribly resentful of things that reminded me of when he'd been Jayla.. the butterfly tattoo on his back, the lack of testosterone, the fact that we'd never be able to have a biological child. Since she's resumed her transition.. all these things just seem natural and right, but at the time, I have to admit they bothered me. It was a reminder of a life without me.. of a place where I was forgotten. Of course, I was resentful of the fact that he'd had a life without me overall.. and terribly, continually afraid that he'd want one without me again.
We married and my health started to take a nose dive. The first year of marriage, blending a family.. not like that's not enough of a challenge. We had to add in my mental status becoming terribly fragile. I was so very happy, so much in love.. but hateful and suicidal. It made no sense, until we figured out the connection with my PCOS and got me started on metformin again. I grew really fearful and terrified of losing James. I got stuck in the past, and I couldn't get out of it. It didn't matter how much he reassured me.. I couldn't stop the fears. Then, I was threatenned at a store and we got into this loop of PTSD/OCD/Anxiety that was so severe that James almost moved out. I'm on a low dose of prozac for this now and all is good, but it was SO horrible for awhile there. I'm amazed our love kept us together through it all.
In the middle of my complete and total mental breakdown described above, James sent me a series of text messages one morning.. letting me know that he was getting more and more angry and depressed and resentful (I'd known this, but figured it was all because of me and my issues) and that he was overwhelmed with wanting to continue the transition to female. My first reaction was to ask him to give me time to accept it.. I was standing on quicksand after all.. and this caused a huge fight. He said I'd accepted it before, so why the issue now.. and that he shouldn't have to wait because my coping skills were non-existant. Absolute truth.. but totally not what I was getting at.
I'm bi. I don't care if she's female or male or anything else because it simply doesn't matter. I love her. I loved her for 20 years and we'd never done anything beyond kiss. Hell, she'd never even felt me up.. and so it's pretty safe to say that my love for her had absolutely nothing to do with gender. When I listed the things I loved about her.. really the only thing that could and would change if she became female was her arm muscles. Beyond that, there was nothing on my list that was going to be any different.
I wanted to be able to get myself back on level ground so that we could face any challenges that came together. I didn't want her to leave me behind as she found herself. I couldn't bear that pain again. I wanted to be in a good place emotionally so that I could adequately suppport her and not leave her alone to deal with her fears and heartaches. I wanted it to be OUR journey, not just hers.
I had a great deal of fears and some misunderstandings we had to face.. I was afraid her therapist would tell her to leave me.. I was afraid she'd decide she was interested in men.. I was afraid she'd no longer want me - emotionally, physically or spiritually. I was afraid of losing custody of my children, afraid of any sort of teasing they'd go through, afraid my son wouldn't have a role model any longer as he learns to become a man. I was terrified our marriage would no longer be legal, afraid she'd shove me away and shut me out and worried I'd cause her harm in my attempt to be supportive and loving. Above all, I was simply terrified I'd lose her and I couldn't handle that.
I'm resistant to change. Not good with it at all... and things were a little hard for awhile. I was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and making her believe I wasn't supportive. I had to admit I hated the name Jayla.. and told her I really was upset about losing her middle name since my oldest daughter had been named for her. We chose a new first name together and decided to have her middle name match Lindsey's.. and I felt infinitely better. Major decision and we'd made it together. Cayleigh started asking my opinion on things like her hair and makeup.. and I started to feel reassured that I was still wanted and needed. I think she started to feel more secure in the fact that my love for her is honestly unconditional. She's so much happier and healthier emotionally and I have zero doubt that this is her truth. I feel grateful that we're able to walk this journey together. It's been interesting to now be identified as lesbian.. but I'm good with it. The kids are doing great with the entire thing and I think our family has benefitted by Cayleigh's transition as she's more honest, open and present with us now.
I have found it interesting to have found things that make me angry. I get really upset when people refer to her as male or use the wrong name... having to say 'husband' and 'James' on medical forms really annoys me. It might be correct legally.. but it's not truth. We'll get that fixed as soon as we're able to. My biggest pet peeve though is people who believe that people who are trans are so by choice.. that they're 'doing' something to their spouse or family or whatever by coming out. Cayleigh has gone through years of not being comfortable in her skin, of misery and hiding.. and now, by being who she is, she's 'doing' something to us? Sure.. she's showing my children that no matter what they'll be accepted and loved.. she's being happy, which translates into a benefit for our family.. she's being real... she's being true. What about what all the cis-gendered folk are 'doing' to those who are trans by forcing them to be something they're not?? It really bothers me.
I love my wife. She is my world, my universe, my everything. I've loved her from the days we were James and Jodi, to when I found her again as Jayla, through my name change to Breanna.. and now as Cayleigh and Breanna. It's been a long road, but it's taken us 22 years to get here. I'll be damned if I'll lose her again. It's not to say that her being trans is a trivial thing - but to me, it's relatively unimportant. While it's a part of her, so are her beautiful brown eyes and her curly hair... being trans doesn't define her, it doesn't define us, it doesn't define our family. It's simply just another piece of the puzzle.
When we were in high school, Cayleigh was James. She was the epitome of masculine to me, reminded me of my grandfather (the only man I ever truly loved and trusted to that point in my life) and was everything I ever wanted. I thought she was drop-dead gorgeous and I fell so totally and completely in love that when we were lost from each other, I felt as if I'd been widowed - my heart violently ripped from my chest. Throughout the years I tried to find her, and finally I did - on myspace. I messaged her.. and never heard back.. so I emailed her wife. I told Tammy that I really had no intention of messing up their marriage, that I was married as well.. and that I really just needed to know that James was okay and to try to find some closure for our relationship since I was still hurting from it almost 20 years later.
The response I got was from a Jayla Wills and she told me that she'd been James and was trans.. and that she had no clue who I was. Hrm. I wasn't quite sure what to do with any of that.. except to back the hell off. Anyone who knows me knows that I have to think everything to death.. and then I'm able to resolve my feelings and I'm okay with pretty much anything.
So.. in thinking about this, my first thought was simply just 'wow.. that's a turn of his life I never expected' - followed closely by wondering if it was PTSD related and more the result of crappy parenting and being told something was 'wrong' with him by his bastard of a father in early childhood when self-esteem is formed. From there, it was guilt. How on earth did I not know something so incredibly important about someone who meant everything to me? How much did he suffer trying to be something he wasn't and I never, ever knew? Then, I moved on to anger.. not over the transition, but on the not knowing who I was part. Seriously? We were engaged and you said you'd love me forever but you had no clue who I was???? Jerk.
A few months later, I decided that I really needed to try to be a friend to this Jayla.. even though I didn't know her. James had been important enough to me that even though we obviously weren't meant to be a couple, I still wanted to offer my support and friendship. This time, the reception was worse. Again, she had no idea who I was.. but wanted to know if any of a series of events she remembered pieces of were with me. Nope, not a single one of them. I knew who they were about, gave her that information and decided I was done. I couldn't open my heart and be hurt again.
Month after month, I drove my children to ballet. Crossing both James street and Willis street.. each and every time. I couldn't stop thinking about her.. and the anger grew and grew and grew. She sent me chat requests.. emails.. wanting to know who I was and why I'd contacted her twice. I ignored her. She joined facebook and sent me a friend request. After thinking about it for a few days, I accepted.. and decided I wouldn't allow any closer of a relationship than posts such as 'happy birthday' or 'get well soon.' I was going to be damned if I allowed this Jayla chick back in my life. I hated the name.. I thought it sounded like a butch bully in a prison yard.. the kind you wanted to avoid at all costs. I figured that was another sign to stay far away.
She went further into her transition.. having the first surgery and posting on facebook that she'd been able to change her birth certificate and gender marker on her drivers license to female. She seemed genuinely thrilled by this. I felt myself start to soften.
Meanwhile, in my life.. my marriage was ending. Painfully, unexpectedly.. just nothing left. Eighteen years, gone in the blink of an eye. In trying to decide what to do, in where to go with my life.. I decided that maybe.. just maybe.. if I were to talk to Jayla and be able to find closure on the only relationship that I'd ever been willing to die for.. maybe then I'd be able to fix my marriage. It was worth a shot at least.
I emailed Jayla on November 2nd, 2009. I told her that I wanted her to know I was fully supportive of her transition, although I was a little concerned as to whether it was really her truth or if it was PTSD related. I told her that I'd been ignoring her chat requests and such because I was so incredibly hurt by the fact that she didn't remember me.. that I really just needed to find closure with her and our relationship and then I'd leave her alone.. but be there to support her on her path if she wanted or needed as a distant friend.
She responded telling me about her beating.. and asking me to tell her our story since she had obviously been so important to me. I did, the memories came flooding back.. and I begged her to forgive me.. while I respected the truth of her being Jayla at this point in time, I needed to find a way to cope with the past.. and I asked her to understand that I had to do that with James. I wasn't trying to minimize her transition or anything of that nature.. but the healing I had to do wasn't with Jayla.. it wasn't with the present, it was totally 1000% in the past. She seemed to be okay with that and we went forward with trying to heal. It was terribly hard for her.. due to the beating, she really honestly doesn't remember and wasn't able to give me the answers I so desperately needed.. so she simply did a lot of listening.. appologizing for the pain I'd been through and telling me she'd never meant to hurt me. She gave me a gift in that.. knowing that I wasn't simply unimportant and forgettable meant an awful lot.
We started talking about meeting. I told her I really wasn't sure how I'd react. I had absolutely no issues with her being female, with dressing in women's clothes or wearing makeup or anything else. However, I was healing from my relationship with James.. and I hadn't reached a point in which the two were one and the same for me. I told her it didn't matter how feminine she was.. I'd be searching for James. I didn't think I could call her Jayla at that point.. and I appologized profusely. I felt so very guilty because I felt like in needing to find healing with the past and in needing to do that with the one and only person who ever broke my heart, I wasn't being supportive of her transition. I felt like if I could just heal with James, I could let go of him and be a friend to this new person.. but I wasn't ready to let go yet. I'd spent 20 years hurting and searching and missing him every day of my freaking life. Being told he no longer existed was like dying all over again. I couldn't accept it. I could accept Jayla.. no problem.. but I couldn't accept losing James when I'd been so close to finding him after all those years. It was selfish and horrible of me, I thought... but I wasn't strong enough to simply let go.
In our talking, she decided that she needed to return to male. She needed to heal from the past together with me, to make sure that she was doing the right thing, etc. In doing this, Tammy kicked her out of their home. She said she'd been fine with Jayla being in love with me.. but she'd gotten her husband 'back' and seeing him in love with someone else.. wanting to put her arms around him and knowing it wouldn't be welcomed... well, she couldn't cope with that.
They got divorced, Eric and I got divorced.. and James and I resumed our relationship where we'd left off 20 years before. I admit that I was grateful to have James back.. although at times I was horribly resentful of things that reminded me of when he'd been Jayla.. the butterfly tattoo on his back, the lack of testosterone, the fact that we'd never be able to have a biological child. Since she's resumed her transition.. all these things just seem natural and right, but at the time, I have to admit they bothered me. It was a reminder of a life without me.. of a place where I was forgotten. Of course, I was resentful of the fact that he'd had a life without me overall.. and terribly, continually afraid that he'd want one without me again.
We married and my health started to take a nose dive. The first year of marriage, blending a family.. not like that's not enough of a challenge. We had to add in my mental status becoming terribly fragile. I was so very happy, so much in love.. but hateful and suicidal. It made no sense, until we figured out the connection with my PCOS and got me started on metformin again. I grew really fearful and terrified of losing James. I got stuck in the past, and I couldn't get out of it. It didn't matter how much he reassured me.. I couldn't stop the fears. Then, I was threatenned at a store and we got into this loop of PTSD/OCD/Anxiety that was so severe that James almost moved out. I'm on a low dose of prozac for this now and all is good, but it was SO horrible for awhile there. I'm amazed our love kept us together through it all.
In the middle of my complete and total mental breakdown described above, James sent me a series of text messages one morning.. letting me know that he was getting more and more angry and depressed and resentful (I'd known this, but figured it was all because of me and my issues) and that he was overwhelmed with wanting to continue the transition to female. My first reaction was to ask him to give me time to accept it.. I was standing on quicksand after all.. and this caused a huge fight. He said I'd accepted it before, so why the issue now.. and that he shouldn't have to wait because my coping skills were non-existant. Absolute truth.. but totally not what I was getting at.
I'm bi. I don't care if she's female or male or anything else because it simply doesn't matter. I love her. I loved her for 20 years and we'd never done anything beyond kiss. Hell, she'd never even felt me up.. and so it's pretty safe to say that my love for her had absolutely nothing to do with gender. When I listed the things I loved about her.. really the only thing that could and would change if she became female was her arm muscles. Beyond that, there was nothing on my list that was going to be any different.
I wanted to be able to get myself back on level ground so that we could face any challenges that came together. I didn't want her to leave me behind as she found herself. I couldn't bear that pain again. I wanted to be in a good place emotionally so that I could adequately suppport her and not leave her alone to deal with her fears and heartaches. I wanted it to be OUR journey, not just hers.
I had a great deal of fears and some misunderstandings we had to face.. I was afraid her therapist would tell her to leave me.. I was afraid she'd decide she was interested in men.. I was afraid she'd no longer want me - emotionally, physically or spiritually. I was afraid of losing custody of my children, afraid of any sort of teasing they'd go through, afraid my son wouldn't have a role model any longer as he learns to become a man. I was terrified our marriage would no longer be legal, afraid she'd shove me away and shut me out and worried I'd cause her harm in my attempt to be supportive and loving. Above all, I was simply terrified I'd lose her and I couldn't handle that.
I'm resistant to change. Not good with it at all... and things were a little hard for awhile. I was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and making her believe I wasn't supportive. I had to admit I hated the name Jayla.. and told her I really was upset about losing her middle name since my oldest daughter had been named for her. We chose a new first name together and decided to have her middle name match Lindsey's.. and I felt infinitely better. Major decision and we'd made it together. Cayleigh started asking my opinion on things like her hair and makeup.. and I started to feel reassured that I was still wanted and needed. I think she started to feel more secure in the fact that my love for her is honestly unconditional. She's so much happier and healthier emotionally and I have zero doubt that this is her truth. I feel grateful that we're able to walk this journey together. It's been interesting to now be identified as lesbian.. but I'm good with it. The kids are doing great with the entire thing and I think our family has benefitted by Cayleigh's transition as she's more honest, open and present with us now.
I have found it interesting to have found things that make me angry. I get really upset when people refer to her as male or use the wrong name... having to say 'husband' and 'James' on medical forms really annoys me. It might be correct legally.. but it's not truth. We'll get that fixed as soon as we're able to. My biggest pet peeve though is people who believe that people who are trans are so by choice.. that they're 'doing' something to their spouse or family or whatever by coming out. Cayleigh has gone through years of not being comfortable in her skin, of misery and hiding.. and now, by being who she is, she's 'doing' something to us? Sure.. she's showing my children that no matter what they'll be accepted and loved.. she's being happy, which translates into a benefit for our family.. she's being real... she's being true. What about what all the cis-gendered folk are 'doing' to those who are trans by forcing them to be something they're not?? It really bothers me.
I love my wife. She is my world, my universe, my everything. I've loved her from the days we were James and Jodi, to when I found her again as Jayla, through my name change to Breanna.. and now as Cayleigh and Breanna. It's been a long road, but it's taken us 22 years to get here. I'll be damned if I'll lose her again. It's not to say that her being trans is a trivial thing - but to me, it's relatively unimportant. While it's a part of her, so are her beautiful brown eyes and her curly hair... being trans doesn't define her, it doesn't define us, it doesn't define our family. It's simply just another piece of the puzzle.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
OMG....Let me tell you about skirts
If your a man.....I'm sorry. I'm sorry because you haven't experienced the love of a skirt. I am assuming here of course.
If your a woman, and you don't know the joy and thrill of the skirt, well I have a theory there as well. I believe that at one point you did experience the excitement that we know as a skirt. Either you were to young to remember it or you have grown out of the magical stage of believing in it. Either way, I beleive as a woman that you did, at one point or another, love the skirt.
If your a grown woman now and don't like skirts.... I'm so very sorry. I hope the pain that caused the hatred isn't to painful for you and doesn't keep you up to many nights. I pray that you will recover some day. If you need to talk....I am here and ready and eager to listen and to help you find your way back from the chasm of no-skirt-land.
Now, why on earth am I talking about skirts in this manner?
For thirty.......four (?) years maybe, I was a man. I dressed as a man, played as a man, worked as a man, loved as a man. This was all a lie in my head, created to make others happy. (if you read my other posts on this blog you would know that. If you haven't, then stop here.......go read them......then come back when your ready to read on)
This year I turned 40 and I am a woman. At this point your doing the math and you come up with a 6 year discrepancy. Yeah, that is true, it took 6 years, count them, 6, to finally come to grips with who I am and what to do about it.
As I am a woman now, I have been wearing womans clothes... DUH!!!!
Today, for the first time EVER, I went to work in a skirt and my awesome slouch boots. No one said a thing and I was received really well. I did get looks but oh well, I chalked it up to them being jealous of what I looked like cause I looked FINE.
So what right???? WRONG!!! This was a huge deal for me. I have worn skirts and dresses at home, but I was always afraid that I would be seen as "the guy in the dress". In the last several months I got to a point where I don't really care what people think.
So today, I wore a skirt all day and IT FELT GREAT!!!! The freedom, the feel, the flowing skirt as I turned around to get something from a shelf. I loved every minute of it.
Even going to the ladies room wasn't an issue. A little odd with the learning curve, but not bad.
So as I said before, if your a man, and you haven't tried a skirt, I feel so bad for you. If your a woman, and have lost the love of wearing skirts, I have an email you can write me and we can talk. If your in love with skirts, you now have a fellow sister that is love with them as well.
I will be wearing skirts more often. The down side is that I will have to shave my legs, but that is ok, I like the smoothness of it.
If your a woman, and you don't know the joy and thrill of the skirt, well I have a theory there as well. I believe that at one point you did experience the excitement that we know as a skirt. Either you were to young to remember it or you have grown out of the magical stage of believing in it. Either way, I beleive as a woman that you did, at one point or another, love the skirt.
If your a grown woman now and don't like skirts.... I'm so very sorry. I hope the pain that caused the hatred isn't to painful for you and doesn't keep you up to many nights. I pray that you will recover some day. If you need to talk....I am here and ready and eager to listen and to help you find your way back from the chasm of no-skirt-land.
Now, why on earth am I talking about skirts in this manner?
For thirty.......four (?) years maybe, I was a man. I dressed as a man, played as a man, worked as a man, loved as a man. This was all a lie in my head, created to make others happy. (if you read my other posts on this blog you would know that. If you haven't, then stop here.......go read them......then come back when your ready to read on)
This year I turned 40 and I am a woman. At this point your doing the math and you come up with a 6 year discrepancy. Yeah, that is true, it took 6 years, count them, 6, to finally come to grips with who I am and what to do about it.
As I am a woman now, I have been wearing womans clothes... DUH!!!!
Today, for the first time EVER, I went to work in a skirt and my awesome slouch boots. No one said a thing and I was received really well. I did get looks but oh well, I chalked it up to them being jealous of what I looked like cause I looked FINE.
So what right???? WRONG!!! This was a huge deal for me. I have worn skirts and dresses at home, but I was always afraid that I would be seen as "the guy in the dress". In the last several months I got to a point where I don't really care what people think.
So today, I wore a skirt all day and IT FELT GREAT!!!! The freedom, the feel, the flowing skirt as I turned around to get something from a shelf. I loved every minute of it.
Even going to the ladies room wasn't an issue. A little odd with the learning curve, but not bad.
So as I said before, if your a man, and you haven't tried a skirt, I feel so bad for you. If your a woman, and have lost the love of wearing skirts, I have an email you can write me and we can talk. If your in love with skirts, you now have a fellow sister that is love with them as well.
I will be wearing skirts more often. The down side is that I will have to shave my legs, but that is ok, I like the smoothness of it.
Taco Time and sensitivity training
What the fuck? I went to taco time yesterday for lunch. Just like I would any other day. This time I ordered the classic chicken burrito. As I ordered, I was referred to as "sir". Now this I understand and can totally forgive. I have a pretty male voice and it's something I really need to work on more frequently.
I went up to the first window and went to go pay. The gentleman that was there looks at me, looks back at, what I assume, was his cash register. He then looked at me again and did that little move where you kind of throw your head back a little, trying to do it where the other person doesn't notice. He paused in his sentence and then continued. Like someone just said something and it's taking your head a few seconds to catch up and in that brief period your mind, body and all good sense shut down and your frozen. Then when it does catch up, you talk fast trying to make up for lost time.
This I was ok with, to a point. I didn't appreciate it and the more I thought about it, the more it really got to me.
In my, not so humble, biased, opinion, companies should have to send their employees to sensitivity training. If that had been done, I don't believe that this would have happened with this gentleman. I can understand seeing someone that presents as a woman, with some manly features. Hell I would just chalk it up to strong features.
So I got done with him, and went to the second window to receive my order. This girl was worse than the guy previous. She was straight rude. The biggest thing among other things I can overlook, was that as I was talking to her, trying to ask for hot sauce, she looked right at me, closed the window and turned her back.
I drove back to the office and stewed on it over lunch. As I was eating my lunch I noticed there was no chicken in my chicken classic burrito. hmmmmm.. seems I was screwed again. I got a veggie burrito not a chicken burrito.
This was the last straw.
I emailed the company and told them what had happened. I don't expect a reply and if I do I swear I will never go back to that store.
I'll go to Wendy's.
Am I being over-sensitive? Probably. Am I looking for problem? Again, probably. Am I wrong in being upset over it? Not at all.
I went up to the first window and went to go pay. The gentleman that was there looks at me, looks back at, what I assume, was his cash register. He then looked at me again and did that little move where you kind of throw your head back a little, trying to do it where the other person doesn't notice. He paused in his sentence and then continued. Like someone just said something and it's taking your head a few seconds to catch up and in that brief period your mind, body and all good sense shut down and your frozen. Then when it does catch up, you talk fast trying to make up for lost time.
This I was ok with, to a point. I didn't appreciate it and the more I thought about it, the more it really got to me.
In my, not so humble, biased, opinion, companies should have to send their employees to sensitivity training. If that had been done, I don't believe that this would have happened with this gentleman. I can understand seeing someone that presents as a woman, with some manly features. Hell I would just chalk it up to strong features.
So I got done with him, and went to the second window to receive my order. This girl was worse than the guy previous. She was straight rude. The biggest thing among other things I can overlook, was that as I was talking to her, trying to ask for hot sauce, she looked right at me, closed the window and turned her back.
I drove back to the office and stewed on it over lunch. As I was eating my lunch I noticed there was no chicken in my chicken classic burrito. hmmmmm.. seems I was screwed again. I got a veggie burrito not a chicken burrito.
This was the last straw.
I emailed the company and told them what had happened. I don't expect a reply and if I do I swear I will never go back to that store.
I'll go to Wendy's.
Am I being over-sensitive? Probably. Am I looking for problem? Again, probably. Am I wrong in being upset over it? Not at all.
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