In my job I meet a lot of people. Not as many as I used to but still a lot. Mostly over the phone.
The other day I had the opportunity to revisit an old customer. One if my favorites actually.
Thing is, she's never seen me as Cayleigh...only my previous self of James.
Many trans folk, heck maybe even the majority of us, fear the unknown. What will so-and-so think of my change? I will I explain this?
This fear is founded, legitimate, and so very real.
I've been transitioning now for almost two years. Not all at once mind you, there was a time, an Eon it seemed, where I de-transitioned.
During my transition I have learned a great many things about myself. One being, I am terrified of the unknown.
At first I swear I was looking everywhere trying to find the one person talking about me. I never found them.
As time went on I got more and more comfortable in my skin, rather clothes. Cause that's where it was for me. The clothes I was wearing. I thought that somehow, someone would have x-ray vision and see right through my clothes. It scared the hell out of me. This is where Trans Hell....Or not, came from.
As I walked up to my customers door and knocked I braced myself for total rejection. But something happened at this moment I didn't realize until tonight.
She saw a girl standing at her door. A girl with a lower than average voice, but still a girl. She didn't look through me, she didn't have x-ray vision and she wasn't waiting to out me to the world. She opened the door and said ,"yes?" with that questioning voice of who ate you. I remembered she has bad eye sight and told her its Cayleigh.
She welcomes me in and we conducted our business. Near the end she made a comment. Out of shear unconscious thought I responded, "yes you do know me but you know me as James."
Now why would I have said that? Who knows.
It was at this moment I realized something else. She didn't have issues calling me, referring to me, or thinking about me as a woman, as Cayleigh.
Once I announced my "trans ness" she immediately started referring to me with male pronouns. It was fascinating.
After that we talked. I educated her a bit and asked a lot of questions. It was a great conversation. One I will cherish.
She looked me over, really looked me I over, commented on different features of my figure, breasts, waist. She commented on my wide shoulders and how clothes will better because of it.
The take away here: don't announce unless you want to out yourself. Most people will see what you project.
