Finding out Cayleigh was trans.. my perspective

For those who may read this and don't know, Cayleigh and I were high school sweethearts. We were separated and then kept apart through a series of events beyond our control. I never quit loving her, I never quit looking for her, I never quit hoping.

When we were in high school, Cayleigh was James. She was the epitome of masculine to me, reminded me of my grandfather (the only man I ever truly loved and trusted to that point in my life) and was everything I ever wanted. I thought she was drop-dead gorgeous and I fell so totally and completely in love that when we were lost from each other, I felt as if I'd been widowed - my heart violently ripped from my chest.  Throughout the years I tried to find her, and finally I did - on myspace.  I messaged her.. and never heard back.. so I emailed her wife.  I told Tammy that I really had no intention of messing up their marriage, that I was married as well.. and that I really just needed to know that James was okay and to try to find some closure for our relationship since I was still hurting from it almost 20 years later.

The response I got was from a Jayla Wills and she told me that she'd been James and was trans.. and that she had no clue who I was.  Hrm. I wasn't quite sure what to do with any of that.. except to back the hell off.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have to think everything to death.. and then I'm able to resolve my feelings and I'm okay with pretty much anything.

So.. in thinking about this, my first thought was simply just 'wow.. that's a turn of his life I never expected' - followed closely by wondering if it was PTSD related and more the result of crappy parenting and being told something was 'wrong' with him by his bastard of a father in early childhood when self-esteem is formed.  From there, it was guilt.  How on earth did I not know something so incredibly important about someone who meant everything to me? How much did he suffer trying to be something he wasn't and I never, ever knew?  Then, I moved on to anger.. not over the transition, but on the not knowing who I was part. Seriously? We were engaged and you said you'd love me forever but you had no clue who I was???? Jerk.

A few months later, I decided that I really needed to try to be a friend to this Jayla.. even though I didn't know her. James had been important enough to me that even though we obviously weren't meant to be a couple, I still wanted to offer my support and friendship.  This time, the reception was worse. Again, she had no idea who I was.. but wanted to know if any of a series of events she remembered pieces of were with me. Nope, not a single one of them. I knew who they were about, gave her that information and decided I was done. I couldn't open my heart and be hurt again.

Month after month, I drove my children to ballet. Crossing both James street and Willis street.. each and every time. I couldn't stop thinking about her.. and the anger grew and grew and grew. She sent me chat requests.. emails.. wanting to know who I was and why I'd contacted her twice. I ignored her. She joined facebook and sent me a friend request. After thinking about it for a few days, I accepted.. and decided I wouldn't allow any closer of a relationship than posts such as 'happy birthday' or 'get well soon.'  I was going to be damned if I allowed this Jayla chick back in my life.  I hated the name.. I thought it sounded like a butch bully in a prison yard.. the kind you wanted to avoid at all costs. I figured that was another sign to stay far away.

She went further into her transition.. having the first surgery and posting on facebook that she'd been able to change her birth certificate and gender marker on her drivers license to female. She seemed genuinely thrilled by this.  I felt myself start to soften.

Meanwhile, in my life.. my marriage was ending. Painfully, unexpectedly.. just nothing left. Eighteen years, gone in the blink of an eye.  In trying to decide what to do, in where to go with my life.. I decided that maybe.. just maybe.. if I were to talk to Jayla and be able to find closure on the only relationship that I'd ever been willing to die for.. maybe then I'd be able to fix my marriage.  It was worth a shot at least.

I emailed Jayla on November 2nd, 2009. I told her that I wanted her to know I was fully supportive of her transition, although I was a little concerned as to whether it was really her truth or if it was PTSD related. I told her that I'd been ignoring her chat requests and such because I was so incredibly hurt by the fact that she didn't remember me.. that I really just needed to find closure with her and our relationship and then I'd leave her alone.. but be there to support her on her path if she wanted or needed as a distant friend. 

She responded telling me about her beating.. and asking me to tell her our story since she had obviously been so important to me.  I did, the memories came flooding back.. and I begged her to forgive me.. while I respected the truth of her being Jayla at this point in time, I needed to find a way to cope with the past.. and I asked her to understand that I had to do that with James. I wasn't trying to minimize her transition or anything of that nature.. but the healing I had to do wasn't with Jayla.. it wasn't with the present, it was totally 1000% in the past.  She seemed to be okay with that and we went forward with trying to heal.  It was terribly hard for her.. due to the beating, she really honestly doesn't remember and wasn't able to give me the answers I so desperately needed.. so she simply did a lot of listening.. appologizing for the pain I'd been through and telling me she'd never meant to hurt me. She gave me a gift in that.. knowing that I wasn't simply unimportant and forgettable meant an awful lot.

We started talking about meeting.  I told her I really wasn't sure how I'd react.  I had absolutely no issues with her being female, with dressing in women's clothes or wearing makeup or anything else. However, I was healing from my relationship with James.. and I hadn't reached a point in which the two were one and the same for me. I told her it didn't matter how feminine she was.. I'd be searching for James. I didn't think I could call her Jayla at that point.. and I appologized profusely. I felt so very guilty because I felt like in needing to find healing with the past and in needing to do that with the one and only person who ever broke my heart, I wasn't being supportive of her transition. I felt like if I could just heal with James, I could let go of him and be a friend to this new person.. but I wasn't ready to let go yet. I'd spent 20 years hurting and searching and missing him every day of my freaking life. Being told he no longer existed was like dying all over again. I couldn't accept it.  I could accept Jayla.. no problem.. but I couldn't accept losing James when I'd been so close to finding him after all those years. It was selfish and horrible of me, I thought... but I wasn't strong enough to simply let go.

In our talking, she decided that she needed to return to male. She needed to heal from the past together with me, to make sure that she was doing the right thing, etc.   In doing this, Tammy kicked her out of their home. She said she'd been fine with Jayla being in love with me.. but she'd gotten her husband 'back' and seeing him in love with someone else.. wanting to put her arms around him and knowing it wouldn't be welcomed...  well, she couldn't cope with that. 

They got divorced, Eric and I got divorced.. and James and I resumed our relationship where we'd left off 20 years before. I admit that I was grateful to have James back.. although at times I was horribly resentful of things that reminded me of when he'd been Jayla.. the butterfly tattoo on his back, the lack of testosterone, the fact that we'd never be able to have a biological child. Since she's resumed her transition.. all these things just seem natural and right, but at the time, I have to admit they bothered me. It was a reminder of a life without me.. of a place where I was forgotten. Of course, I was resentful of the fact that he'd had a life without me overall..  and terribly, continually afraid that he'd want one without me again. 

We married and my health started to take a nose dive.  The first year of marriage, blending a family.. not like that's not enough of a challenge. We had to add in my mental status becoming terribly fragile. I was so very happy, so much in love.. but hateful and suicidal. It made no sense, until we figured out the connection with my PCOS and got me started on metformin again. I grew really fearful and terrified of losing James. I got stuck in the past, and I couldn't get out of it. It didn't matter how much he reassured me.. I couldn't stop the fears. Then, I was threatenned at a store and we got into this loop of PTSD/OCD/Anxiety that was so severe that James almost moved out.  I'm on a low dose of prozac for this now and all is good, but it was SO horrible for awhile there. I'm amazed our love kept us together through it all.

In the middle of my complete and total mental breakdown described above, James sent me a series of text messages one morning.. letting me know that he was getting more and more angry and depressed and resentful (I'd known this, but figured it was all because of me and my issues) and that he was overwhelmed with wanting to continue the transition to female.  My first reaction was to ask him to give me time to accept it.. I was standing on quicksand after all.. and this caused a huge fight. He said I'd accepted it before, so why the issue now.. and that he shouldn't have to wait because my coping skills were non-existant.  Absolute truth.. but totally not what I was getting at.

I'm bi. I don't care if she's female or male or anything else because it simply doesn't matter. I love her. I loved her for 20 years and we'd never done anything beyond kiss. Hell, she'd never even felt me up.. and so it's pretty safe to say that my love for her had absolutely nothing to do with gender. When I listed the things I loved about her.. really the only thing that could and would change if she became female was her arm muscles. Beyond that, there was nothing on my list that was going to be any different.

I wanted to be able to get myself back on level ground so that we could face any challenges that came together. I didn't want her to leave me behind as she found herself. I couldn't bear that pain again. I wanted to be in a good place emotionally so that I could adequately suppport her and not leave her alone to deal with her fears and heartaches. I wanted it to be OUR journey, not just hers.

I had a great deal of fears and some misunderstandings we had to face..  I was afraid her therapist would tell her to leave me.. I was afraid she'd decide she was interested in men.. I was afraid she'd no longer want me - emotionally, physically or spiritually.  I was afraid of losing custody of my children, afraid of any sort of teasing they'd go through, afraid my son wouldn't have a role model any longer as he learns to become a man.  I was terrified our marriage would no longer be legal, afraid she'd shove me away and shut me out and worried I'd cause her harm in my attempt to be supportive and loving. Above all, I was simply terrified I'd lose her and I couldn't handle that.

I'm resistant to change. Not good with it at all... and things were a little hard for awhile. I was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and making her believe I wasn't supportive.  I had to admit I hated the name Jayla.. and told her I really was upset about losing her middle name since my oldest daughter had been named for her.  We chose a new first name together and decided to have her middle name match Lindsey's.. and I felt infinitely better. Major decision and we'd made it together.  Cayleigh started asking my opinion on things like her hair and makeup.. and I started to feel reassured that I was still wanted and needed. I think she started to feel more secure in the fact that my love for her is honestly unconditional. She's so much happier and healthier emotionally and I have zero doubt that this is her truth. I feel grateful that we're able to walk this journey together.  It's been interesting to now be identified as lesbian.. but I'm good with it. The kids are doing great with the entire thing and I think our family has benefitted by Cayleigh's transition as she's more honest, open and present with us now.

I have found it interesting to have found things that make me angry. I get really upset when people refer to her as male or use the wrong name...  having to say 'husband' and 'James' on medical forms really annoys me. It might be correct legally.. but it's not truth. We'll get that fixed as soon as we're able to.  My biggest pet peeve though is people who believe that people who are trans are so by choice.. that they're 'doing' something to their spouse or family or whatever by coming out.  Cayleigh has gone through years of not being comfortable in her skin, of misery and hiding.. and now, by being who she is, she's 'doing' something to us?  Sure.. she's showing my children that no matter what they'll be accepted and loved.. she's being happy, which translates into a benefit for our family.. she's being real... she's being true.  What about what all the cis-gendered folk are 'doing' to those who are trans by forcing them to be something they're not??  It really bothers me.

I love my wife. She is my world, my universe, my everything.  I've loved her from the days we were James and Jodi, to when I found her again as Jayla, through my name change to Breanna.. and now as Cayleigh and Breanna. It's been a long road, but it's taken us 22 years to get here. I'll be damned if I'll lose her again.  It's not to say that her being trans is a trivial thing - but to me, it's relatively unimportant. While it's a part of her, so are her beautiful brown eyes and her curly hair... being trans doesn't define her, it doesn't define us, it doesn't define our family.  It's simply just another piece of the puzzle.