Life Outside Myself

I don't know when it began exactly.  Or why for that matter.  I know that at some point I started livig outside myself.  I could literaly see myself doing things that I normally wouldn't have done. I dont know why I was doing it though.

So I went through life for many years doing things I didn't want to do and being someone I didn't want to be.

Finally when I reached age 35 I saw myself down there and finally figured out what hell was going on with me and why I wasn't living my own life.

Back when I was 7 I was forced out of my own body by things my father did. Not only to me, but my sister and brother and my step-mother.  Probably other people as well.  He was a sick fuck.

So it took almost 30 years for me to find a way into my own body again and to start living for me and as me.

My femininity was taken from me at that time and for many years later is was constantly held for ransom from me until I, the one to whom it belonged to, accepted and learned what it was that I was supposed to do.

I learned that I was in fact female. Imprisoned in a males body. Tortured day in and day out and eventually learning to live as instructed rather than as I was. 

Many time through the years, specifically a picture that was taken at my 16th birthday, a day I will never get again.  I will never get that sweet 16 party I always craved. I was standing there, and in the pic, i was in my own body again. Even if just for a minute or two.  I was there. I will remember that pic for always. It is emblazened in my mind. The one moment in my early life that I cherish.

I went away from myself again as the flash erupted in the brilliant light. Not to return, fully, until I reached age 35.  At that point I realized that I wasnt held in captivity any longer and that it was ok to be who I am supposed to be. 

Now I am released from my cell.  No longer tortured. Free to be me and free to be free.